[As published in Bride and Groom - with slight updates in the profile]
by Dr. Don Gage
As we approach the Millennium, there are all kinds of voices raining down upon us. Some cry Doom! and say the end of the world is at hand. Many talk of the Y2K problem and whether we will or will not be prepared for it. Others simply look at this as a huge milestone in our history.
Whatever the voices we may be hearing, many will be making Mega-resolutions as we approach the hour of midnight on that rare New Year’s Eve. Many will be realizing that as we enter a new century and a new millennium, it will be one in which the pace of change will undoubtedly accelerate and our best and most resilient strategies and preparations will be essential.
This is the challenge that couples face in these times. It can be a confusing time. It can be one in which the temptation to merely drift will vie with the desire to have every detail of every risk covered.
As a society, we too infrequently stop to plan how we wish the future to emerge. To be sure, much of that future is not ours to control. But a substantial portion is ours to command. And yet so often we drift like a boat without a rudder in the midst of raging tides. Thus this moment is like a golden opportunity to wonder about the future and decide how we truly do want it to turn out.
For couples, the most important part of this challenge will be to decide upon a narrow set of priorities. You can’t plan for everything. Focusing upon a few most essential goals and then committing to them will make them more likely to succeed.
Some of the areas deserving attention include:
• The quality of your life as a couple
• The creation of a family environment that is safe, loving and conducive of growth
• The development of your wider relationships, including your extended family, friends and community; and
• Your growth as individuals with skills, careers, and interests of your own.
A good framework for our maturation as successful people is provided by Stephen Covey. In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People he presents the following basic principles:
1. Be Proactive;
2. Begin with the End in Mind;
3. Put First Things First;
4. Think Win/Win;
5. Seek First to Understand... Then to be Understood;
6. Synergize; and
7. Sharpen the Saw (revitalizing yourself).
That book and his whole series can be very valuable reading.
At this point I would focus upon one value in particular, which forms the very foundation of all else: to make love a powerful force in your life.
That sounds simple enough, but actually a fierce debate has raged for millennia on what love really is. I’m not going to go down that whole path — Eros vs. agape and so on — but rather look at some of its more practical issues.
All too often love fails — is there any guidance that can help love to thrive and last? I don’t think we have any simple solutions to that question. But I do believe the more we discuss it and try to incorporate its lessons in our lives, the better people we will become.
I would recommend one goal above all others: . . .to make of your relationship (and your family) an enduring environment in which love will flourish.
No simple challenge.
One of the problems is that love is:
• not a technique, though it requires understanding and skill; and
• not an emotion, though it can flood us with a gamut of feelings.
I suppose in some ways it is like light, which is not a wave nor a particle, yet is like both of these in certain ways. But as with light, we can describe some of its behavior and effects.
How love can be a maze with pitfalls. To “love” so intensely as to the point of suffocating one’s partner can destroy mutual love. As the poets say, “a butterfly cannot be permanently grasped in one’s hand, without losing its essence as a butterfly.” As Gibran tells us, “Make not a bond of love.”
And there is good scientific understanding of the dynamics of why love can die if it becomes domineering. Amitai Etzioni identifies the psychological reaction to three types of power: Normative power (doing things because we believe in them) creates enthusiasm; Utilitarian power (doing things because we are forced to) creates Alienation.
When one’s “love” becomes restrictive or domineering, it tends toward coercion. That leads to alienation, and love cannot thrive in an atmosphere of alienation. If we picture two people in love as two boats in the ocean, domineering love is like one of the boats keeping a mooring rope fastened upon its mate. That simply does not work.
But the other end of the spectrum is not so easy or simple either. To go to the opposite extreme — “allowing” one’s mate to simply be free and not being a dynamic part of his or her life, conveys not so much freedom as indifference. In this extreme the boats drift quietly apart.
The answer, obviously, is to create a relationship in which there is a vital balance. Be involved yet caring, assertive and sensitive to the needs for space and freedom. Each couple is unique and no road map would suffice for all.
Thus, the best solution to creating a balanced, sensitive and dynamic love relationship is to maintain active communication throughout life. Share your feelings and emotions. Always act in love, not in possessive ways, but in nurturing ways.
As we enter the new millennium, our lives will be radically different. For the pace of change will present us with new environments, new challenges, new tools and new toys. But much of our character as human beings will change little. We will still need love. We will still need to express love. And our lives will be happier and stronger if we are part of a relationship in which love is the primary action and emotion. Love that is dynamically balanced: bathed in the warm glow of the mutual commitment and mutual involvement that only vitally growing free spirits can achieve.
Dr. Don Gage specializes in celebrating personalized, non-denominational weddings with couples of all faiths in both church and other locations. As [President of] SDI Associates, he helps organizations and businesses to empower success through strategically focused planning and time management. In addition, he [was] contributing writer for Bride and Groom Magazine. (508) 877-9890